THE TAMING OF THE SHREW

Act In Scene 1

(Enter Christopher Sly the beggar, and the Hostess)
l1l	Sly	 I’ll feeze you, in faith.
l2l	Hostess	A pair of stocks, you rogue.
l3l	Sly	You’re a baggage. The Slys are no rogues. Look in
l4l		the Chronicles—we came in with Richard Conqueror,
l5l		therefore paucas palabras, let the world slide. Sessa!
l6l	Hostess	You will not pay for the glasses you have burst?
l7l	Sly	No, not a denier. Go by, Saint Jeronimy! Go to thy
l8l		cold bed and warm thee.
l9l	Hostess	I know my remedy, I must go fetch the
l10l		headborough.
		(Exit)
l11l	Sly	 Third or fourth or fifth borough, I’ll answer him by
l12l		law. I’ll not budge an inch, boy. Let him come, and
l13l		kindly.
		(He falls asleep.)
l14l		Horns sound. Enter a Lord from hunting, with his train
	Lord	 Huntsman, I charge thee, tender well my hounds.
l15l		Breathe Merriman—the poor cur is embossed—
l16l		And couple Clowder with the deep-mouthed brach.
l17l		Saw’st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good
l18l		At the hedge corner, in the coldest fault?
l19l		I would not lose the dog for twenty pound.
l20l	First Huntsman	Why, Belman is as good as he, my lord.
l21l		He cried upon it at the merest loss,
l22l		And twice today picked out the dullest scent.
l23l		Trust me, I take him for the better dog.
l24l	Lord	Thou art a fool. If Echo were as fleet
l25l		I would esteem him worth a dozen such.
l26l		But sup them well, and look unto them all.
l27l		Tomorrow I intend to hunt again.
l28l	First Huntsman	I will, my lord.
l29l	Lord	(seeing Sly)
		 What’s here? One dead, or drunk? See, doth he breathe?
l30l	Second Huntsman	He breathes, my lord. Were he not warmed with ale
l31l		This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.
l32l	Lord	O monstrous beast! How like a swine he lies.
l33l		Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image.
l34l		Sirs, I will practise on this drunken man.
l35l		What think you: if he were conveyed to bed,
l36l		Wrapped in sweet clothes, rings put upon his fingers,
l37l		A most delicious banquet by his bed,
l38l		And brave attendants near him when he wakes—
l39l		Would not the beggar then forget himself?
l40l	First Huntsman	Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose.
l41l	Second Huntsman	It would seem strange unto him when he waked.
l42l	Lord	Even as a flatt’ring dream or worthless fancy.
l43l		Then take him up, and manage well the jest.
l44l		Carry him gently to my fairest chamber,
l45l		And hang it round with all my wanton pictures.
l46l		Balm his foul head in warm distillèd waters,
l47l		And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet.
l48l		Procure me music ready when he wakes
l49l		To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound,
l50l		And if he chance to speak be ready straight,
l51l		And with a low submissive reverence
l52l		Say “What is it your honour will command?”
l53l		Let one attend him with a silver basin
l54l		Full of rose-water and bestrewed with flowers#
l55l		Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,
l56l		And say “Will ’t please your lordship cool your hands?”
l57l		Someone be ready with a costly suit,
l58l		And ask him what apparel he will wear.
l59l		Another tell him of his hounds and horse,
l60l		And that his lady mourns at his disease.
l61l		Persuade him that he hath been lunatic,
l62l		And when he says he is, say that he dreams,
l63l		For he is nothing but a mighty lord.
l64l		This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs.
l65l		It will be pastime passing excellent,
l66l		If it be husbanded with modesty.
l67l	First Huntsman	My lord, I warrant you we will play our part
l68l		As he shall think by our true diligence
l69l		He is no less than what we say he is.
l70l	Lord	Take him up gently, and to bed with him#
l71l		And each one to his office when he wakes.
		(Servingmen carry Sly out)
l72l		(Trumpets sound)
		 Sirrah, go see what trumpet ’tis that sounds.
		(Exit a Servingman)
l73l		Belike some noble gentleman that means,
l74l		Travelling some journey, to repose him here.
		(Enter a Servingman)
l75l		How now? Who is it?
	Servingman	An ’t please your honour, players
l76l		That offer service to your lordship.
		(Enter Players)
l77l	Lord	 Bid them come near. Now fellows, you are welcome.
l78l	Players	We thank your honour.
l79l	Lord	Do you intend to stay with me tonight?
l80l	A Player	So please your lordship to accept our duty.
l81l	Lord	With all my heart. This fellow I remember
l82l		Since once he played a farmer’s eldest son.
l83l		’Twas where you wooed the gentlewoman so well.
l84l		I have forgot your name, but sure that part
l85l		Was aptly fitted and naturally performed.
l86l	Another Player	I think ’twas Soto that your honour means.
l87l	Lord	’Tis very true. Thou didst it excellent.
l88l		Well, you are come to me in happy time,
l89l		The rather for I have some sport in hand
l90l		Wherein your cunning can assist me much.
l91l		There is a lord will hear you play tonight#
l92l		But I am doubtful of your modesties
l93l		Lest, over-eyeing of his odd behaviour—
l94l		For yet his honour never heard a play—
l95l		You break into some merry passion,
l96l		And so offend him# for I tell you, sirs,
l97l		If you should smile he grows impatient.
l98l	A Player	Fear not, my lord, we can contain ourselves
l99l		Were he the veriest antic in the world.
l100l	Lord	(to a Servingman)
		 Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery
l101l		And give them friendly welcome every one.
l102l		Let them want nothing that my house affords.
		(Exit one with the Players)
l103l		(To a Servingman)
		 Sirrah, go you to Barthol’mew, my page,
l104l		And see him dressed in all suits like a lady.
l105l		That done, conduct him to the drunkard’s chamber
l106l		And call him “madam”, do him obeisance.
l107l		Tell him from me, as he will win my love,
l108l		He bear himself with honourable action
l109l		Such as he hath observed in noble ladies
l110l		Unto their lords by them accomplishèd.
l111l		Such duty to the drunkard let him do
l112l		With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,
l113l		And say “What is ’t your honour will command
l114l		Wherein your lady and your humble wife
l115l		May show her duty and make known her love?”
l116l		And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses,
l117l		And with declining head into his bosom
l118l		Bid him shed tears, as being overjoyed
l119l		To see her noble lord restored to health,
l120l		Who for this seven years hath esteemèd him
l121l		No better than a poor and loathsome beggar.
l122l		And if the boy have not a woman’s gift
l123l		To rain a shower of commanded tears,
l124l		An onion will do well for such a shift,
l125l		Which, in a napkin being close conveyed,
l126l		Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.
l127l		See this dispatched with all the haste thou canst.
l128l		Anon I’ll give thee more instructions.
		(Exit a Servingman)
l129l		I know the boy will well usurp the grace,
l130l		Voice, gait, and action of a gentlewoman.
l131l		I long to hear him call the drunkard husband,
l132l		And how my men will stay themselves from laughter
l133l		When they do homage to this simple peasant.
l134l		I’ll in to counsel them. Haply my presence
l135l		May well abate the over-merry spleen
l136l		Which otherwise would grow into extremes.
		(Exeunt)